Christmas quiet

It's getting so close to Christmas now and I'm really excited because Christmas is basically my favourite time of the year (hey, who doesn't love Christmas?!). I will be pre-Christmasing in three different places, my house in Durham, with Leo in Dublin and then out to my family. With that in mind, I don't want to go all-out on the decorations in any one place, so I'm going minimal. A poinsettia, some lights in a jar, a bowl of oranges, a discrete Christmas card from a dear neighbour. 

It's amazing what a hot whiskey, some chocolate, Home Alone and Tom Rosenthal's Christmas Quiet (video below) can do to warm your heart. 

Things I learned

Going swimming on a Friday night is a great way to spend your evening because a) the pool is totally empty and b) you're getting some well-needed exercise, relaxation, and thing-time while everyone else is out socialising and drinking alcohols. 

As time goes on I'm learning to make better choices and give myself what I need. I am realising more and more that I am introverted and that I need a lot of alone time, as well as autonomy over my personal space to keep it tidy and well-aired and bright. 

Since I know what I need, it's easier to give it to myself, and follow it by a lovely health home-cooked salmon udon dish and an episode of Broen. It's good to be alone sometimes, and to acknowledge the need for this alone-ness. 

It's good to know how to help yourself.

On the absolute joy of being alone

This one's for all those girls who would rather sit at home on a Friday night and rearrange their furniture, make some soap and eat a steak than go out and drinks alcohols. Who usually like to leave parties early just to take the long walk home, listening to music and recharging. 

I don't like crowds, and despite being a fairly bubbly person who has no problem striking up conversations with strangers, I have come to really prefer my own company as time has gone on. I can't remember the last time I went to a pub with a group and didn't have a huge desire to just make my excuses (or not) and leave. 

It's been a funny few weeks; Leo moved over here to begin a Masters and decided not to continue with it, so then we had to work out the next plan. Moving to Dublin to get a job was his decision. All in all, it was a hectic two months or so. After spending a week there to-ing and fro-ing without a fixed place to sleep before we moved into the new home, we were hanging around a lot, in other peoples' spaces. Before that, I was juggling PhD, my admin role, running a student society, being involved in my Dept. and being a full-time girlfriend. 

It was exhausting.

Now that it's just me, back here in Durham on my own once again, I'm beginning to appreciate the absolute sheer joy of my own space. The silence of being in a room, in a house, on my own, with no noise, no people. Because it's nice to be with the one you love, but sometimes it's just as nice to be all on your own. Call it self-care, call it being mindful, call it what you will, but it's so important to just take the time to be alone.

Under the weather

It's been raining non stop for days. That is no exaggeration. Since I've been spending so much time traipsing around Dublin with a backpack, sitting on buses and getting rained on, it was inevitable that I would develop a cold. When Leo and I lived in London a couple of years ago, we shared a flat with an old Pakistani lady named Jamal. Among other things, she taught me a great trick: when you have a cold, a spoonful of honey with turmeric mixed into it is better than any pharmace-purchased cough medicine. 

So I took one of those, drinking lots of tea with honey, and hot water with lemon and honey. I have no doubt that I'll be cured in no time :)

Autumn in Durham

I had to go up to the Hill Colleges to put up posters for our ceilidh this morning, and I had no idea Autumn had arrived already. I guess I didn't get the memo, and it certainly isn't as seasonal in the town. Cascades and piles of leaves absolutely everywhere. I really don't remember it being this seasonal so early last year, but I am well and truly in love with it. 

Another October. The maples have done their slick trick

of turning yellow almost overnight; summer’s hazy skies

are cobalt blue.

Hello, Autumn!

The days are starting to get shorter, the leaves are turning, there is a delightful crispness to the air-yes, autumn is finally here! What's more, today is officially the first day of Autumn: the Equinox. In the Celtic calendar it's Lúnasa, the start of the harvest and an intake of breath before the great darkness descends. I can't get enough of this season. As one with pale skin and who is more comfortable in a good warm jumper than a tshirt, I always feel better when it's cold. I've got my new wool cardigan and polo neck ready to go!

Next week will mark the official beginning of the second year of my PhD. In some ways 'time is flying', but in general I feel incredibly happy, very busy, satisfied and sufficiently creative. I had the chance to host a workshop and documentary about resisting austerity in Copenhagen at the weekend, and that, along with fieldwork that is going swimmingly, has me feeling all sorts of good.

I'm excited for another reason too-Leo is joining me in Durham in just six days! It's five years this month since we first met, and one year since we have been separated, so it feels right that we are reunited in September, a time which for many represents the end of a cycle, but for me has always felt like the beginning of something fantastic (the start of the school year, the nature table, a new pencil case, new experiences, a new copybook).

New beginnings (again, and again)

The last few weeks have been hectic. Aside from the fact that I've been in Ireland spending time with my family, I have moved to a house in Durham town centre, There have been countless trips back and forth to the college I was living at, as few taxi journeys as possible, room painting, sorting through things and, mostly exciting of all, negotiating with Leo what he has to bring, as I am so so happy to say that he is moving to Durham in less than a month to do some further study. 

I am absolutely walking on air, this is the happiest and most content I have been in such a long time. It makes all the nesting, moving, expense and hassle of it all totally worth it, as I now get to share my home once again with my partner in crime and other half. 

On top of that, the season is most definitely changing, and I can feel that autumnal crispness in the air.  I am ready to embrace the seasons once again and enjoy all that life has to offer. I am ready for pumpkin and squash, coats and rain, falling leaves and darkening evenings. 

My time in Ireland made me realise how much I love and my miss my home and the people in it. It makes me so sad that for now I can only make the most of it through visits home, emails, phone calls and post. I can't wait to put down roots there, permanently. 

You never know how much you need something until it's taken away from you. 

Trip to Northern Norway

It's quite a few weeks since our trip to Norway, and it feels like a lifetime ago as I sit in my office in Durham drinking coffee from my thermos and writing about motherhood and austerity. Here is a recap from our trip to Northern Norway, mostly in pictures.

We flew Oslo-Bodø on a slightly delayed flight, which was just as well as we then arrived as the midnight sun was hovering around the horizon, and there were breathtaking views of the jagged rocks in the water and mountains on the skyline. We walked the short distance from the airport to the town centre in twilight, and had a few hours sleep before getting up to make the most of the free breakfast and endless filter coffee (Norway's filter coffee game is 10/10).

We travelled from Bodø to Sandhornøy in a ferry, and then took a bus to the beach Langsanden, where Salt is located. We camped on the beach for four nights, ate our packed lunch food, had waffles in the cafe in the morning, took a sauna and ran to the cool Atlantic to cool off (although the sauna was not very hot), lazed around on the beach, and generally had a superb time camping in a mostly-isolated place. 

We made friends with the Mayor of the local commune, who so kindly brought us to his house, gave us coffee, and BROUGHT US IN HIS LITTLE TWO SEATER AIRPLANE. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it makes sense to make friends with everyone you meet, because sometimes those people are absolutely lovely individuals who will go out of their way to share wonderful experiences with you.

We made our way back to Bodø and then on to Lofoten islands. Unfortunately we only had one night so we stayed in the most touristic area, which was a huge shame after the beautiful isolation of Langsanden. Nonetheless, we made the most of it, eating whale (which was NOT nicely prepared!), going for a long walk, and enjoying ourselves. 

It was then time to go back to the mainland for one more night in a lovely hotel, a welcome rest after all the camping (I am not, generally, a camper), and home again home again to Copenhagen. I was left with such a positive impression of Northern Norway. The people we met were so kind, welcoming, and ready to chat to us. The landscape was breathtaking, the weather incredibly pleasant, and the efficiency and ease with which we travelled around really impressed me. For sure, my heart has been stolen by this part of the world, and I can't wait to return :)

On knowing your demons, and not being afraid to face them

I'm writing this as a test of whether or not it will help me feel better, to be honest.

I see no shame in addressing mental less-than-wellness. In an age where American children have higher anxiety levels than psychiatric ward patients in the 1950s (or so The Spirit Level told me), clearly there is something in the fundamental way that we live that restricts us, holds us back in ways that make us unhappy and sick and anxious. It is, of course, important to note that I do acknowledge that mental health exists on a vast spectrum, and having lived closely with those experiencing severe mental ill health, wouldn't begin to suggest that outlook and lifestyle alone are the keys to unlocking the riddle. This is just my own way of managing my own experiences.

I'd like to think that I'm quite clued in to what flips my switch, and I have managed to maintain a relatively even keel with regards to my mental wellbeing, albeit with many bumps in the road to be negotiated, some lasting months at a time. Mental wellness isn't as simple as 'exercise, eat well and sleep enough', because sometimes you do all of those things, and it isn't enough. 

The last couple of weeks I have been increasingly struggling. It's hard to pinpoint exact moments. Maybe it was this, maybe it was that, but at the end of the day what I'm left with is a desire to sleep all the time, a desire to cry all the time, feeling nauseous and having dark thoughts. Last night I talked about it, let all the words and ideas pour out so they were clinging to the ceiling in some stringy confusing mess, and it made me feel better, lighter, more open. 

I'm not sure if I was trying to expel the thoughts like an ingested poison, or if this trick was an attempt to form links and ideas, to 'come up with the reasons', when maybe there are no reasons. All I know is, I feel better today. I amn't yet sure if that's due to willing myself happy, or 'genuine', or if the brain can distinguish between the two. 

On days like today I like to make myself something visually appealing to eat (see below), drink coffee, take the time to reflect on how I'm 'doing' (oh, how we must always be evaluating ourselves in this life), and see how I can be happier, wholer, a more positive version of the self I was in the recent past. I don't know where the day will go, but I know that in a more general sense, in the days and weeks to come, I will emerge and feel light and happy again, because in the past I've always come out the other end and got back on track with my positive outlook. It's just a question of whether the work I do now will speed that process up. 

Take care of your head and your heart, please.

a few weeks in Denmark

I am so lucky to be able to spend a few weeks in Denmark this summer. Right now I'm back in our old apartment, and we're enjoying some exceptionally nice weather (with a thunder storm last night!), swimming in the Øresund, applying layers of sunblock, eating delicious salads, and planning for our trip to Norway at the end of the week. 

Leo's at work, so I'm up to my usually tricks; doing writing for my PhD, lots of admin (sigh), cleaning and cooking. Mondays may not be as good as the weekend when your weekend is filled with amazing coffee from the place your friend works at and all the delicious salad and bread you can handle, but it's pretty fantastic when you get to stay at home, clean at will (cleaning calms my soul) and think about preparing the most delicious dinner while listening to your new favourite song. 

3/4 of the way

I'm 3/4 of the way through the first year of my PhD. I can't believe I'm writing that because it all feels like a total dream. It's been an incredibly busy year so far, it's hard to believe that a year ago I was working in a hotel in Copenhagen, and in 12 months I've packed so much in. It's been quite challenging year for me in many ways, but I've made the most of reinventing myself when needs be, and I can safely say that I've emerged this side a better human.

Today I had the Progression Review that marks the transition from MPhil to PhD officially, and I'm happy to say that it went really well. I was very nervous, and not sure I had as much confidence in myself as I would have liked, but I made it through and they very luckily said I don't need to do any corrections. 

That basically means that, when I come back from my summer holidays, I can launch myself head first into my fieldwork, and get this PhD done! I have a few weeks in Denmark/Norway ahead, and I have a long list of things I hope to get done, but I'll be sure to enjoy myself too :) With the gorgeous cafes and delicious Black Diamond library, (yes, I do get excited by libraries) that won't be hard. 

All is good.

Paris syndrome

Paris syndrome (French: Syndrome de Paris, Japanese: パリ症候群, Pari shōkōgun) is a transient psychological disorder exhibited by some individuals visiting or vacationing in Paris or elsewhere in Western Europe. It is characterized by a number of psychiatric symptoms such as acute delusional states, hallucinations, feelings of persecution (perceptions of being a victim of prejudice, aggression, or hostility from others), derealization, depersonalization, anxiety, and also psychosomatic manifestations such as dizziness, tachycardia, sweating, and others.^[1] Similar syndromes include Jerusalem syndrome and Stendhal syndrome.

There is a 24-hour help line run by the Japanese embassy to help Japanese tourists suffering from this condition. The embassy reports that on average twelve people suffer from this disorder annually.^[2] The condition is commonly viewed as a severe form of culture shock.

From Wikipedia

I just love that this is a thing. In other news, look at this tiny weighing scales I got today.

Lately

And the old triangle 

Went jingle jangle 

All along the banks 

Of the Royal Canal