Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts

Thursday 2 November 2017

The far side of the postpartum experience: mourning, loss and recovery

It’s a really weird experience, going through pregnancy and having a baby. You foster that life that grows inside you and then it emerges into the world and continues growing. But for a long time it’s not independent of you – it relies on you for food, to keep it warm, to lull it off to the sleepy-world. Your baby is an extension of you, and you are an extension of your baby. And then, it begins to shift. Baby can move, baby begins to realise they are independent of you. Then baby begins to eat food. Real, solid, human food that anyone can feed her. She relishes this new set of experiences. Baby can crawl. Baby is growing up.

Somewhere along the way this story stops being about you as a pregnant body, you as a new mother. The bleeding stops, your stomach slowly and steadily decreases in size with each passing week. You can walk farther than a mile without needing a rest, you get to sleep. You aren’t craving sugar and carbohydrate all the time, your body has replenished the iron and zinc that it donated to the placenta. There are newer babies that replace your baby as the ‘new thing’ and that is beautiful too.

Somewhere along the way this story starts being about you again. You, and this other little human, this baby that is now independent of you, that can be cared for by a loving and well-meaning relative or a minder. She needs you, of course, but it’s not in that primal, biological ‘basic needs’ sort of way, more of an emotional support and a care-giver like anyone else could be.

And then, what are you? It’s been eight months of breastfeeding and naps-in-arms. On the outside, little has changed. It’s still breastfeeding and naps-in-arms. But a subtle shift has been tip-tip-tipping away the last few weeks. Fewer feeds, sometimes napping in the bed. More solid food. Trying to stand. The change now is taking place in your own body. A niggling change, as your body shifts once again.

Bodies are funny. Nothing happens suddenly, it’s all subtle thief in the night type stuff. You feel a little cramp here and there and feel the hormonal shift that you can’t really explain to anyone else. Your body is changing, again. You’re beginning to phase out of being a postpartum body, and back to being a regular (what does that even mean?) woman who has the capacity and the potential to do it all over again.

Matter has this impatient, eternal desire to perpetuate its own existence and to reproduce itself. It just wants to keep on keeping on. And you realise that your body is just a part of that bigger picture. It’s a funny thing, adjusting to all these changing roles. It’s a funny, emotional time. A time for grieving a loss, anticipating the return of an old friend, expectation and waiting. It’s a time for crying and not being able to say why. Of incomprehensible rage and a void of sadness welling up. A huge part of being a breathing, feeling body is the huge amount of feeling that it entails.

We don’t talk enough about the feelings. The feelings matter a lot. 

Wednesday 22 February 2017

Waiting waiting

Still patiently awaiting the arrival of Bab. It feels like every time I speak to a midwife, or any other human really, they ask me about 'pain' and feeling scared or worried. Since the beginning of human life, women have been birthing babies, without epidurals, pitocin or episiotimies. I'm really glad we have wonderful advances in medicine that mean there are only 10 maternal deaths per 100,000  in our part of the world (source), but I don't for a second believe that the regularity with which interventions are undertaken for routine and low-risk births are helpful for anyone. Nor that the fear, uncertainty and lack of education around what happens during pregnancy, labour and the post-natal period is helpful at all, in the slightest, for any of us. It's incredibly dis-empowering. I'm sure the birth will be fine, in fact I'm looking forward to it a lot. A test of mental and physical strength, with a great present at the end, what could be better?

We've received so many flowers, cards and gifts to welcome us into our new home and for our impending arrival, it's really sweet and a little overwhelming, but in a good way. So many changes this year, it's so lovely to see how much people care. 





Until our arrival...arrives, you'll find me in the kitchen sitting on my exercise ball, editing my PhD, cooking, hoovering, reading Nordic crime fiction, and generally being super chill. 

Saturday 4 February 2017

Hello February - the final weeks of being two

If I'm being honest, I'm writing this post in a much grumpier frame of mind than when I intended to begin it several days ago. Today, house things are just being too much. But, look, I have a lasagne in the oven and some cookie dough prepared, so it ain't all that bad, folks.

2016 was a dream. Really. Finding out the amazing news that we would become parents, moving back to Ireland, continuing my wonderful PhD that I love, getting to speak at conferences all over the UK, really, I've been beyond lucky. Coming back to Ireland and picking up the roots of an old life has been strange, and living with housemates trying at times, but on the whole everything's working out really well.

Unlike, it seems, the entirety of the left-leaning world, I am choosing to focus on the positives in 2017. In 2016 Brexit and Trump happened, and more than one of our favourite celebrities kicked the bucket. There's been a lot to be devastated about, but I chose to not wallow, or become vitriolic, like too many people in the media or on Twitter, or around academia. 

I chose to be proactive in my own way. To organise collections of sanitary products for refugees in the local area (https://thnkngnrth.wordpress.com/2015/12/07/its-important-to-share/), to be kinder to everyone around me, to organise anti-austerity events, to continue to improve myself and my environment. I don't want be sad and angricey because a bunch of people don't like the EU. Hell, I don't even like the EU. And we could all use this opportunity to learn a little bit about those who are socially, politically and economically very far away from us. In the meantime, there's too much in the world to be joyful about.

Rant over, back to my very small little world, and the great things in it. Leo and I have moved into a home that is all our own, and are getting ready to share it with a small human in a couple of weeks. Life is about to change, forever, in ways I can't begin to imagine. We're both so full of expectation and excited.

Here's to 2017, to a new bab, to maybe getting this PhD finished or nearly finished, to living in a shiny new place, learning new things, and cooking in a kitchen belonging all to oneself. 

Skål!!



Tuesday 13 December 2016

Birthday celebrations in Budapest and Vienna

For my birthday, Leo and I took a trip to Budapest and Vienna. It was a really memorable week, very relaxing, and we experienced a lot of new things.

Budapest

Budapest was reasonably priced, historical, had good food and great cake, lovely people, fantastic thermal baths, and felt like going back in time a few years. We had a relaxing few days, celebrated my birthday and other nice things happening in our lives, ate lovely food, visited the Christmas market, and were enchanted at a street where a book binder, a cobbler and an old book seller were plying their trades. It's not often you see such authenticity anymore. 













Vienna

Vienna was cosy, affluent, comfortable. We bought Christmas presents, visited Karl Marx Hof, met friends for dinner, ate in an overpriced but luxurious cafe every morning, and visited a gorgeous healthfood store. Oh, we also visited a couple of their amazing Christmas markets and had mulled wine, hot chocolate and other good things.










Monday 3 October 2016

A wee update

It's been a while since I've written here. The truth is, I've been busy. Very busy. We're in the midst of planning for one major life-altering event, and several smaller life-altering events.

First, I am expecting a baba. This first-time, mind blowing event took over my entire being for about four and a half months, and it's only in the last week or so that I've begun to feel like an independent entity again. Aside from the emotional preparation and shift in thinking that had to take place, physically it took a huge toll on me. Round the clock nausea in the first 12 weeks were later replaced by gastro-intestinal issues I don't need to go into here. I was so tired for the first few months I was worried I'd never manage to do anything PhD related again. But I'm slowly and determinedly getting back to my old self, or as much of that old self as I can get back. Accepting changes, adapting and embracing all the new, wonderful things happening to me has been an incredible process. 

Secondly, I'm moving back to Ireland. Well, I'm in Ireland right now, but I'm renting out my room  in Durham soon and moving back officially at the end of October. Doubling up on hospital appointments and ante-natal care, and flying back and forth for me and Leo is no longer practical. I want us to enjoy this experience together, in one place, our home, so that means I'll be working from my desk in UCD from now on. It also means finding a new home for the three of us, good things in the works in that respect. 

We're getting into the throes of autumn now, and I'm enjoying the cooler temperatures (I sweat a LOT in Summer) and abundance of produce. Long walks in Durham led to blackberry eating, and apples and plums have been made into crumbles and stewed with yoghurt. 

Now that I have an appetite again, I am vigorously spending as much time cooking, savouring those hours spent in the kitchen. And of course, eating a varied and healthy died is much better for me and the baba than spaghetti hoops and tinned rice pudding (don't judge me til you've been there, folks). In Durham I've been enjoying a lot of smoothies, and porridge is making a comeback. I'm also embracing pizza making, with Leo teaching me the ways of yeast, which I've never used before.




I'm cycling as much as humanly possible, my preferred mode of transport and exercise. Leo got me this gorgeous bike which is sturdy and fast, and I am looking forward to the many thousands of kilometers I will travel on it. I intend to cycle for as long in the pregnancy as is physically possible (heavily pregnant Danish cyclists are my inspiration here) and will start back with baby in tow as soon as is safe.



 Life is very good, have a good autumn!

Monday 8 August 2016

Back in Ireland: family and friends

I've been so lucky to get to spend so much time in Ireland this year. I just spent three weeks at home, and had so many catch ups with old friends (some visiting from literally the other side of the world), and lots of special family events.

I'm determined to make more of an effort to be present at special events; I've been away for too long.






Monday 21 March 2016

Farvel til København

Maybe it's fitting that it's Spring, the days are getting brighter, and I have an itch to sort through my ever-dwindling collection of possessions and do a tidy and a clean up. It's been obvious to me for months, since Leo finally handed in his notice and moved, that our life in Copenhagen had reached a natural climax. That being said, I dawdled for months and months and always tried to picture myself going back there to live. 

But naturally, our time in Copenhagen has reached it's conclusion and Leo has in fact moved back to Dublin, while I have an excruciating 1.5 years of PhD left before I can join him (don't get me wrong, I am overjoyed to be doing the PhD, but I am so tired of living in a temporary-home). I've just returned to Durham from Copenhagen, where we finally (FINALLY!!!) packed up all our kitchen stuff, Leo's dozens of work shirts, boxes of cards and letters and memories, and the furniture. 

We spent those last few days catching up with lovely people we might not see for a while, doing a bit of shopping (I lost a scarf this winter that was my favourite one, and needed a replacement), sitting in the same cafe for hours on end, and spending our last night in a Jazz-filled bodega, from which my clothes ended up smelling like an ash tray. 

It was a surreal few days and they went by far too quickly. Now it's back to work, and back to Ireland as well for Easter. It was lovely to live in Copenhagen, and our apartment was cosy and full of fond memories. But sometimes things just come to an end, and that's quite alright. It's onwards to bigger and bolder things, and the most important thing is that Leo and I are journeying together.






Wednesday 27 January 2016

Being busy and being honest with yourself

I am a busy person. Sometimes I am 'busy', i.e. making extra work for myself, having two links in the chain when one will do, that sort of thing. But there's no denying that, objectively, I am busy. A PhD, a huge part of which means spending two hours of buses two to three days a week, is always going to take a lot of time. The bus journeys destroy me because they are a) time consuming b) make me feel incredibly travel sick, ruining my chances for acting like a wholly normal person on those days c) wasted time (you can't write, use a laptop, do useful things on the bus).

I am trying to be less busy. I resigned from the admin job I had for my supervisor. I appreciated the extra income, but the stress of being the recipient of endless numbers of emails was too much for me. I am trying to prioritise. But this is difficult. I signed up to do a fair bit of teaching, and that simply doesn't stop. The dates are in the diary, the times are fixed, the bus journeys obligatory. I guess, next year I might take a break from teaching.

I also play in a ceilidh band. This is immensely fun, and I love the banter, the actual playing, and everything that goes along with it. However, through this I got roped into being the President of the society the band is a part of. Again, endless emails, organising room bookings and so on and so on. So I resigned, because the list was endless. The band also play late at night, and I often don't get home until well after midnight, buzzing with adrenaline. You can see why this is a problem.

I am a PhD student, and yet my diary is full, all of the time, with things and things and more things. Emails come hard and fast. I delete 70% of them, but those 30% require a response, no matter how short. I suppose it comes with the territory, but being the in-between of student and staff is difficult, because you are surrounded by people who's time is fluid, spills over into weekends and evenings, and for whom 'having so much work to do' is somehow an accepted norm. 

I want to have several days a week with nothing in my diary. That's the goal. To switch off the emails, have a list of tasks to work through, read whole books, write the dissertation that needs to be written, On top of that, Leo lives in Ireland now, so that means flying back and forth to see him, spending hours on the phone every week talking and keeping the dream alive. I love it, but it is sometimes very hard work.

So, I'm almost forgetting why I wrote this, because really it's just reminding me how much I have still to do and further stressing me out. But, I suppose, the reason I wrote this was to remind myself that, yes, I have a lot of stuff that clogs up my head, makes me feel overwhelmed, busy, tired and stressed. The end goal is to write a PhD, and move back to Ireland. That's it. Do the PhD, finish in good time, enjoy it, learn a lot, and then progress to a worthwhile and productive job (hopefully!), in the country I come from (finally!), with my favourite guy (yay!). 

I'm just going to leave this here, and come back to it when I'm feeling overwhelmed, and remind myself of what the task at hand really is. It's not to make lots of new friends and integrate super well into the University life here (although friends are nice and I amn't a hermit), and it's not to run student societies (I'm not really a student, and I'm 27 anyway), and it's certainly not to get bogged down in teaching, admin, non-essential tasks etc. It's to research for and write a PhD dissertation. 

And, I guess, to go on as many holidays and breaks as I can fit in (sunshine!), and to take care of my health and wellbeing (which 100% includes drinking lots of tea in my cosy room watching Pretty Little Liars with the jar of fairy lights on the table next to me. Obv). 

Thursday 31 December 2015

Here's to 2015

Since it's after midnight already it's technically New Years Eve, which means that a reflective end-of-year post is quite appropriate. Hopefully tomorrow night will be a little nicer than it is right now, the rain is pelting down and we were hoping to get some champagne and celebrate somewhere in town.

This year, quite frankly, has been one of the most straight-forward and enjoyable years of my life. It started off on a pleasant note, dinner and fireworks along the riverside in Copenhagen, a plane to Iceland late at night on the 1st, the Aurora and seeing the volcano from the plane. 

The year has more or less been incredibly straight forward. My work has gone better than I could ever have hoped for, I am making huge progress with my writing and managed to speak at a number of conferences and seminars. I have just sent off my first journal article for review and have conducted a lot of fieldwork.

The other parts of my life, too, are falling into place. Leo has moved to Dublin and is creating a home for us there, he has a good job and I hope to spend more time there. There are cheap flights from Newcastle to be had and many weekend and longer trips to enjoy in the coming weeks. Overall, everything is good.

As I look back on 2015, I can't help but feel incredibly warm and happy. Everything has fallen into place just like it should. Looking to next year, I have many goals and hopes, but generally, nothing groundbreaking. I don't want to turn my world upside down, or radically re-invent some part of myself. I just want to continue being me, being comfortable, embracing the hygge, learning more things, and being better. 

Here's to 2015, and to 2016, and to no bad days :)

This picture: many cups of tea and a stack of books, represents my life over this Christmas period

Saturday 26 December 2015

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

So, it's Stephen's night. I am in my comfiest clothes (leggings, fluffy socks and an oversized jumper, if you were wondering), and I am home alone, with a selection box, Pukka tea, a gorgeously scented Muji candle, and...myself. I know Christmas is a time for family, but I am savouring this evening, just for me to enjoy. 

The last few weeks...months, really...have been incredibly hectic. Even Christmas wasn't so much of a reprieve, although I can't complain: I haven't done any work in 3 days and I stayed indoors for about 35 hours straight, something I basically never do. That being said, I cooked Christmas dinner (with help from my brother), and tomorrow I'm travelling to England to spend the time until the New Year with Leo and his mom.

It's nice to be able to take the time to be alone (as I keep saying, if my recent posts are anything to go by), but it takes a certain inner strength and determination to be alone the evening after Christmas. To be honest, I am a little lonely (we had lunch at my aunt's and it was simply the most convenient thing to get dropped back here for heading to the airport). But I know that I've had a very hyggeligt few days, and tomorrow I will be back in Durham with fairy lights and lovely food and movies and company.

Below are a selection of Christmassy snaps: all the Christmas trees I've had the pleasure of hanging out with in particular.









I feel very lucky to live the life that I do. I think we should all try to feel lucky.

Friday 11 December 2015

Things I learned

Going swimming on a Friday night is a great way to spend your evening because a) the pool is totally empty and b) you're getting some well-needed exercise, relaxation, and thing-time while everyone else is out socialising and drinking alcohols. 

As time goes on I'm learning to make better choices and give myself what I need. I am realising more and more that I am introverted and that I need a lot of alone time, as well as autonomy over my personal space to keep it tidy and well-aired and bright. 

Since I know what I need, it's easier to give it to myself, and follow it by a lovely health home-cooked salmon udon dish and an episode of Broen. It's good to be alone sometimes, and to acknowledge the need for this alone-ness. 

It's good to know how to help yourself.

Thursday 3 December 2015

Under the weather

It's been raining non stop for days. That is no exaggeration. Since I've been spending so much time traipsing around Dublin with a backpack, sitting on buses and getting rained on, it was inevitable that I would develop a cold. When Leo and I lived in London a couple of years ago, we shared a flat with an old Pakistani lady named Jamal. Among other things, she taught me a great trick: when you have a cold, a spoonful of honey with turmeric mixed into it is better than any pharmace-purchased cough medicine. 

So I took one of those, drinking lots of tea with honey, and hot water with lemon and honey. I have no doubt that I'll be cured in no time :)

Wednesday 23 September 2015

Hello, Autumn!

The days are starting to get shorter, the leaves are turning, there is a delightful crispness to the air-yes, autumn is finally here! What's more, today is officially the first day of Autumn: the Equinox. In the Celtic calendar it's Lúnasa, the start of the harvest and an intake of breath before the great darkness descends. I can't get enough of this season. As one with pale skin and who is more comfortable in a good warm jumper than a tshirt, I always feel better when it's cold. I've got my new wool cardigan and polo neck ready to go!

Next week will mark the official beginning of the second year of my PhD. In some ways 'time is flying', but in general I feel incredibly happy, very busy, satisfied and sufficiently creative. I had the chance to host a workshop and documentary about resisting austerity in Copenhagen at the weekend, and that, along with fieldwork that is going swimmingly, has me feeling all sorts of good.

I'm excited for another reason too-Leo is joining me in Durham in just six days! It's five years this month since we first met, and one year since we have been separated, so it feels right that we are reunited in September, a time which for many represents the end of a cycle, but for me has always felt like the beginning of something fantastic (the start of the school year, the nature table, a new pencil case, new experiences, a new copybook).