Being busy and being honest with yourself

I am a busy person. Sometimes I am 'busy', i.e. making extra work for myself, having two links in the chain when one will do, that sort of thing. But there's no denying that, objectively, I am busy. A PhD, a huge part of which means spending two hours of buses two to three days a week, is always going to take a lot of time. The bus journeys destroy me because they are a) time consuming b) make me feel incredibly travel sick, ruining my chances for acting like a wholly normal person on those days c) wasted time (you can't write, use a laptop, do useful things on the bus).

I am trying to be less busy. I resigned from the admin job I had for my supervisor. I appreciated the extra income, but the stress of being the recipient of endless numbers of emails was too much for me. I am trying to prioritise. But this is difficult. I signed up to do a fair bit of teaching, and that simply doesn't stop. The dates are in the diary, the times are fixed, the bus journeys obligatory. I guess, next year I might take a break from teaching.

I also play in a ceilidh band. This is immensely fun, and I love the banter, the actual playing, and everything that goes along with it. However, through this I got roped into being the President of the society the band is a part of. Again, endless emails, organising room bookings and so on and so on. So I resigned, because the list was endless. The band also play late at night, and I often don't get home until well after midnight, buzzing with adrenaline. You can see why this is a problem.

I am a PhD student, and yet my diary is full, all of the time, with things and things and more things. Emails come hard and fast. I delete 70% of them, but those 30% require a response, no matter how short. I suppose it comes with the territory, but being the in-between of student and staff is difficult, because you are surrounded by people who's time is fluid, spills over into weekends and evenings, and for whom 'having so much work to do' is somehow an accepted norm. 

I want to have several days a week with nothing in my diary. That's the goal. To switch off the emails, have a list of tasks to work through, read whole books, write the dissertation that needs to be written, On top of that, Leo lives in Ireland now, so that means flying back and forth to see him, spending hours on the phone every week talking and keeping the dream alive. I love it, but it is sometimes very hard work.

So, I'm almost forgetting why I wrote this, because really it's just reminding me how much I have still to do and further stressing me out. But, I suppose, the reason I wrote this was to remind myself that, yes, I have a lot of stuff that clogs up my head, makes me feel overwhelmed, busy, tired and stressed. The end goal is to write a PhD, and move back to Ireland. That's it. Do the PhD, finish in good time, enjoy it, learn a lot, and then progress to a worthwhile and productive job (hopefully!), in the country I come from (finally!), with my favourite guy (yay!). 

I'm just going to leave this here, and come back to it when I'm feeling overwhelmed, and remind myself of what the task at hand really is. It's not to make lots of new friends and integrate super well into the University life here (although friends are nice and I amn't a hermit), and it's not to run student societies (I'm not really a student, and I'm 27 anyway), and it's certainly not to get bogged down in teaching, admin, non-essential tasks etc. It's to research for and write a PhD dissertation. 

And, I guess, to go on as many holidays and breaks as I can fit in (sunshine!), and to take care of my health and wellbeing (which 100% includes drinking lots of tea in my cosy room watching Pretty Little Liars with the jar of fairy lights on the table next to me. Obv). 

New beginnings (again, and again)

The last few weeks have been hectic. Aside from the fact that I've been in Ireland spending time with my family, I have moved to a house in Durham town centre, There have been countless trips back and forth to the college I was living at, as few taxi journeys as possible, room painting, sorting through things and, mostly exciting of all, negotiating with Leo what he has to bring, as I am so so happy to say that he is moving to Durham in less than a month to do some further study. 

I am absolutely walking on air, this is the happiest and most content I have been in such a long time. It makes all the nesting, moving, expense and hassle of it all totally worth it, as I now get to share my home once again with my partner in crime and other half. 

On top of that, the season is most definitely changing, and I can feel that autumnal crispness in the air.  I am ready to embrace the seasons once again and enjoy all that life has to offer. I am ready for pumpkin and squash, coats and rain, falling leaves and darkening evenings. 

My time in Ireland made me realise how much I love and my miss my home and the people in it. It makes me so sad that for now I can only make the most of it through visits home, emails, phone calls and post. I can't wait to put down roots there, permanently. 

You never know how much you need something until it's taken away from you. 

3/4 of the way

I'm 3/4 of the way through the first year of my PhD. I can't believe I'm writing that because it all feels like a total dream. It's been an incredibly busy year so far, it's hard to believe that a year ago I was working in a hotel in Copenhagen, and in 12 months I've packed so much in. It's been quite challenging year for me in many ways, but I've made the most of reinventing myself when needs be, and I can safely say that I've emerged this side a better human.

Today I had the Progression Review that marks the transition from MPhil to PhD officially, and I'm happy to say that it went really well. I was very nervous, and not sure I had as much confidence in myself as I would have liked, but I made it through and they very luckily said I don't need to do any corrections. 

That basically means that, when I come back from my summer holidays, I can launch myself head first into my fieldwork, and get this PhD done! I have a few weeks in Denmark/Norway ahead, and I have a long list of things I hope to get done, but I'll be sure to enjoy myself too :) With the gorgeous cafes and delicious Black Diamond library, (yes, I do get excited by libraries) that won't be hard. 

All is good.

Lately

And the old triangle 

Went jingle jangle 

All along the banks 

Of the Royal Canal 

home thoughts from abroad (remix)

I don't write here much, and it's very late now and I should probably sleeping, but some thoughts have been crossing my mind, so please allow me a moment or two to indulge myself. I was having an introductory conversation with someone tonight, and he seemed surprised that I, to his mind, had already 'written off' where I am now as an option for life, work, and all that, after my PhD is finished. The truth is, he misunderstood me. I haven't written anything off, because 'here' was never an option. What I want, most of all, is simply to go home.

It's been five years since I emigrated. London, Copenhagen, and now Durham. My life now is a mis-mash of a Danish-UK world, long train rides to airports in other parts of the country to take advantage of the cheap airfares, to spend stolen weekends and weeks with the one I love. I have three bank cards, three sim cards, a handful of random coins in my purse. I miss my home, my real home, so much. It's not that I am idealising a romantic idea of how great it must be, because I know the reality is a political and economic and social situation that is not entirely satisfactory for me, a life with which I might find much lacking. But, the countryside is still beautiful, the cities superb, the butter and milk delicious, and the people good at small-talk. 

I am so close to home; social media means I can stay in constant touch with my dearest ones, but the truth is that, after half a decade, it just doesn't feel the same anymore. I've missed so many birthdays and celebrations, and I really just want to be in a town where everyone has the same slang, where the music is played fast and mercilessly at the local pub session, where we have a common understanding of where we've come from, where we're going. It's not that where I am now is a million miles away, but sometimes the closer you are, the farther you feel. 

What really prompted this was reading Garrison Keillor's beautifully crafted tale of life in Copenhagen, as a foreigner. He is a creative hero of mine, and I find his descriptions of the peace and tranquility he finds in Copenhagen comforting and sad at the same time. I know all the feelings, these feelings are my own. But I feel sad because I know Copenhagen will never be mine, never be ours. We can live there, have a CPR number, an apartment, pay our taxes and use the bike lanes, but home is something else entirely, and I can't wait to get back to it. Can't wait for that part of life to really start, at last. 

the beginning of the beginning

This week, my PhD 'began' so to speak. More meetings, discussion groups, a whole day of intense classes about health and populations, and my very first supervisory meeting. Suffice to say it was overwhelming, completely and utterly, and I came away from it feeling like I had such a huge mountain to climb. 

Luckily I then went straight to the library, made a Word document of everything we discussed, printed a lot of papers, loaned a lot of books, and Leo made me the most incredible 'goals' Excel sheet because he is eternally my saviour. So I left the library feeling a lot more together.

It's good to have goals to work towards.

I've been pretty busy, with meetings, workshops, training, and copious amounts of time spent trying to locate journal articles, printing, and the ubiquitous signs of beginning life someplace new. I'm so glad that I have my bank, social security number and phone number taken care of from when I lived in the UK before, because those are things I don't greatly enjoy taking care of.

On Thursday night we had a 'formal' dinner for all the postgraduates of my college. It was a very nice occasion, the guys mostly wore black tie which was quite hilarious. It's such a change, everything is so effortless, casual, laidback and so so understated in CPH, whereas here dressing for dinner, for example, is a must. Here, it's the exact opposite, but at least my college is the most laid back in that sense, they're quite accepting and easy-going in relative terms.

Today I'm off to buy a USB stick with 64GB memory (backups are a must), and go see a movie called Still the Enemy Within about the miners' strike up north where I am now. I'm pretty excited.

Oh oh oh, and I am now a member of the Ceili Band here at the University! I have a million tunes to learn but I'm pretty chuffed! Coming soon to a ceili dance near you, a flute no one can really hear!

1st week in Durham

Today is the 8th day I've been in Durham. It feels really strange to be writing that. It's been a very busy week; a lot of training sessions, inductions, coffee at the department (more on that later), and generally finding my feet, both in terms of who exactly I'm supposed to hang out with in my free time and, say, how the library works.

On Wednesday last we had our Matriculation ceremony. Basically, we went to the cathedral, speeches were given, and later we had to sign a book promising to be good students and not to plagiarise. Forever the cynic, I could probably have done without the procession and tradition of the matriculation ceremony, but it was nice to hear nice and encouraging things from those in charge. Usually you don't get the well wishes until graduation and they're kicking you out the door.

Everything here is done very officially, we all have a college, and do everything through the college. The fairly upper class formality of it all is a little awkward, but hey, it's their show, so they can do what they like. Since I'm being accommodated in my college for the time being (and it's pretty cosy, actually), I get all my meals provided, have access to a kitchen to make tea, and even have a library in my building. It's all very straightforward, and only a 10 minute walk from the university.

I'm feeling very lost without my bicycle, I haven't managed to find one here yet, and although it's just a short walk to everything, including the town, I'd much prefer to be cycling there than walking. Hopefully this week will bring good things. A meeting with my supervisors, a walking trip or some dance classes (depending on the weather), and basically all the time in the world to study, write, and eat. It's surreal.

I woke up on Monday morning and it was Autumn. Umbrellas and boots for everyone. Today it didn't rain, at least, but I could definitely start wearing my gloves, it's that nippy. It feels very strange being here, but judging by all the lost, lonely faces you see on a daily basis, in the cafeteria, on the paths to and from college, the only thing worse than being in a new place alone is being 18, living away from home for the first time, and being in a new place alone. So, there's that.

Here are a couple of snaps, I need to make it a habit:

From the Matriculation ceremony, with a ghost walking by. That poster on the wall was terrific.

The cosiest apartment I've ever seen on one of the oldest streets.

Copenhagen. Never forget.

6 days

6 days into PhD life, it's Friday night, sitting on my bed with crackers, tea (Yorkshire), and a tv show. Some things never change. It's been the longest, weirdest, most tiring, confusing yet familiar, and most emotional week I've had in a very long time. Everything seems so attainable yet so very far away.

I feel very lucky.